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| The Worst Threat To America | | By: Laura Snyder | | Tues Oct 23, 2007 8:35 AM EDT
MACON,GA.- Last night, out of boredom and a lack of anything better on television, I found myself watching a show called the Colbert Report. The host, Stephen Colbert pronounced it as “cole-bear repore”. It’s really a sign of our flawed educational system when we can turn out an adult that pronounces his own name wrong; more so, because it consequently had an effect on any word that is remotely related to his name.
Mr. Colbert believes that the worst threat to America is…bears. Clearly, bears are right up there on the scale of worst threats, but there are other threats that are more obvious, don’t you think? Why not public toilets, video games, or thong underwear?
To hear my mother talk, public toilets carry every disease known to mankind; from AIDS to athlete’s foot. So why aren’t public toilets the number one threat? And while we’re on the subject of diseases, is West Nile virus only found on the West side of the Nile? Or does the disease produce mosquitoes that can only fly westward? And, if the world is round, where does it stop being the West side?
Okay, back on topic. Video games could be called the worst threat to America because they are contributing to the delinquency of minors by forcing their clothes to grow or their bodies to shrink. I’m not sure which it is yet, but I’m sure it is not just a coincidence that ever since kids started playing video games their pants keep sliding off their rear ends. It’s very frightening. So why doesn’t Colbert pick video games as the number one threat to America?
Thong underwear? I don’t even want to go there. That garment is so wrong on so many levels. American’s cannot be expected to perform their best when they are walking around with a wedgie all day long.
So why bears?
I am writing this column next to a fat, sweaty guy, 37,000 feet in the air, on the back of a barf bag, so maybe I’m not thinking clearly (I’ve heard high altitudes can have that effect)…but bears?
I recently watched a special on Discovery channel where they were trying to figure out why a bear decided to whack a photographer. Literally and figuratively. This event apparently happened after years of the man pestering those bears by taking close-up photographs of them.
I think that he might have been the equivalent of bear paparazzi, though, so you can’t count this incident in the “The Worst Threat To America” poll. If I were being followed by paparazzi taking pictures every time my mouth was full of food, I’d become a bit aggressive as well. If you ask me, that bear showed great restraint in waiting so long. In light of this fact, I don’t think you could consider this particular bear a threat, because the odds are good that the man would have survived if he had not taken so many pictures.
When told that we were going on a weekend trip to a National Forest, my oldest son thought we were camping and wanted to pack bear deterrent spray. Normally, I can’t get him to pack even the most basic necessities. That he remembered bear deterrent spray may be a point for the Colbert camp.
My son should have known better, though. I would never have been caught in a tent somewhere where they have mosquitoes that could suck up my minivan. Motels are much more welcoming. After all, I believe we are on the West side of the Nile.
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You can reach Laura at [email protected] Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more columns and info about her new book. | |
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